


Over And Over

by Type40_River



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, First Kiss, First Meetings, I'm Bad At Tagging, Inspired by Music, Love Confessions, M/M, Sad Jensen, Slow Build, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 04:39:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8236391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Type40_River/pseuds/Type40_River
Summary: This convention is pretty much like every other one the boys have attended over the last few years since the show gained more traction. It's been a busy few days and Jared is determined that the after party will lift Jensen's spirits a little and it might've worked, if Jared knew Jensen just a little better than he thought he did...





	

Jensen knew from the moment Jared entered the small and quiet waiting room where the auditions were being held for Supernatural that he was fucked, no question about it. He'd been running lines silently to himself, trying to steady the nerves that always seemed to blossom inside him when auditioning for a new role, the way his stomach flipped at the thought of being passed over for the role, as the younger man walked in.

Jensen's breath hitched as he caught a glimpse of him, not that it was like he could be easily missed, the guy was taller than Jensen, something he wasn't normally accustomed to at his own height. Jensen could tell he was a few years younger than himself, a mop of dark hair blown sideways from the wind, his smooth features were yet to fully come into their own, a set of full lips sat under his small curved nose, a mole sat left from his nose over young tanned skin. The tall man crossed the distance between them quickly on long legs coming to a stop in front of Jensen, a large hand out stretched in greeting.

“Hey man, I’m Jared” he offered with a wide smile revealing a set of shining white teeth. Jensen couldn't quite settle on the colour of the young boy’s eyes, a light green slowly depending into hazel closer to his pupils, Jensen even detected a hint of amber in the swirling colours, whatever the actual colour may be, they were intoxicating and Jensen wondered how on earth he was ever going to remember his lines if they were both cast for the show.

Jensen clasped the hand with his own, briefly distracted by the warmth and softness “I'm Jensen”

Jared beamed as he took the free seat next to him “nice to meet you man!” Flashing him another grin, this time displaying dimples on either side of his mouth that made Jensen want to reach out cup his face so that he could run his thumbs over them, a river of increasingly tempting images of what he could do to the kid to coax that smile back washed through his mind. Yep, definitely fucked.

That was the story of how Jensen had been completely and utterly undone in the space of a few minutes all those years ago by Jared Padalecki, he thought to himself as he sat at the table in the dining hall of their hotel watching Jared drink his coffee through those plump, kissable lips, readying himself for another day at the convention. Jensen himself was on his second cup of coffee and was desperately hoping that it would dispel the tiredness from his mind, the last few days had been exhausting, conventions always were for him. He loved their fans, without them Jensen wouldn't know where his career would've been now, maybe non-existent? He smiled reminding himself how lucky he was to be here and to have a such a fierce friend like Jared, who'd been so warm and friendly from the get go that Jensen had let him slip through his defences like the Trojan horse passing through the gates of Troy; welcomed and unimpeded and it hadn't bitten him on the ass, not that Jensen hadn’t pictured that scenario one or twice over the last few years.

“Jen?” Jared's deep voice came from across the table, pulling him out of musings.

Jensen looked up to see Jared's furrowed brows and knew he'd missed a question “Sorry. What's up?”

“You ok man?” Jared asked surveying him with gentle eyes.

“Just tired, haven't slept too well the last few nights” Jensen admitted.

“It's been hectic I know” Jared agreed sipping his coffee “last panel today though, then we can let loose a bit tonight at the after party”

Jensen let out a small chuckle “you mean you'll have three beers, get hammered and I'll have to drag your ass up to your room before you make an idiot of yourself”

“ _Four beers_ , actually” Jared said with a mock pout of indignation “it'll be fun!”

“Yeah yeah” Jensen said glancing down and his watch and noting the time, he rapped his knuckles twice against the table as he swallowed the last mouthful of coffee “c’mon, we gotta go”

Jared looked longingly down at his half eaten breakfast annoyed that he'd over slept, picking up a piece of toast and putting it in his mouth before getting up and following Jensen out of the room, reminding himself he needed to have a proper meal before he started drinking tonight.

The roar from the crowd was like thunder as the host announced them. Jensen swallowed audibly as he stood hidden behind the paper thin black curtains alongside Jared, it still made his heart race and knees shake every time. Jensen often thought in these moments that he was the embodiment of Eminem’s well known lyrics ‘his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti’. Unlike Dean, Jensen was much more reserved in real life and less self-assured, he was still getting used to the level of fame that Supernatural had gifted him. The intensity of the crowds and the limelight sometimes stole his breath and as much as he fought for control, his nerves betrayed him, his body trembling with anxiety. The heat from Jared pierced the layers of fabric between them as he slid his well-muscled arm over Jensen's shoulders gripping him tightly and pulling him into the hard body beside him, just like he had the first time Jensen stood trembling as he waited for their first panel together and at each subsequent event since.

Jensen leant into the taller man allowing his deep even breathing to calm his jittering body, it was a tradition of sorts that the pair had, unspoken, but completely understood and accepted. Jared knew Jensen inside and out, what made him happy, the quirks or traits of others that annoyed him and he also knew how to disarm his friend when he sensed the anxiety storming within him, threatening to tear his best friend apart. It's their deep understanding of one another that made them Jared and Jensen. It was simple and easy, it always had been from the beginning, no awkwardness on set, no fumbled beginnings or fights that eventually smoothed over into something cordial that could get them through their long days, just a deep, unwavering bond. Jared knew that though they play brothers onscreen, they were just as loyal to one another off camera, Jared would bleed for Jensen just as much as Sam would for Dean.

Rubbing Jensen's buzzed hair soothingly, Jared cocked his head closer “you ready Jen?”

“As ready as I ever will be” Jensen replied as their host finished announcing them, another wave of cheers erupting from the crowd.

“Well then” Jared said letting his arm slip off the broad shoulders “let's give ‘em hell!”

Jensen's nerves slowly settled as he and Jared sat on stage once the cries and shrieks from the crowd had settled down, placated by Jared's enthusiasm and greetings. _The man could sell ice to Eskimos,_ Jensen thought to himself as he watched the younger interact with the fans _and they'd probably invite him over for dinner, too._ It was a relatively tame crowd for a change and Jensen was glad for it. There were some brilliant and insightful questions about the latest season that made him wonder if he was speaking to their fans or an auditorium of philosophy majors. They had to rebuff the odd question about the next season, not just because they were under instruction to not give away spoilers but because they themselves genuinely didn't know.

“Seriously though y’all” Jared said as he wiggled his stool a little closer to Jensen and clapped his knee with an enormous hand “even for us, we don't know what's coming until we get the script. We're normally there in our trailers, flipping the pages until we get the down low. Sometimes when I get to the end I shoot over to Jensen's trailer and ask if he's caught up, the plot twists throw us just as much as you guys too, right Jensen?”

Jensen was slow to respond, his mind was clouded with distraction from the heat of Jared's hand burning into his thigh, a small squeeze sending wave of nervous energy through his body, exciting him in a way that he both loved and hated.

“Yeah, that's right” he stammered as his concentration finally returned to the crowd before him.

“You'll have to forgive Jensen today” Jared said with a laugh that send ripples down his spine and a friendly pat on his knee “he's a little slow when he hasn't had enough coffee, cranky too”

Jensen shifted slightly in his seat as he put his best Dean face on “bitch”

“Jerk” Jared quipped in Sam's whiny voice.

The crowd erupted into laughter and cheers as the two quoted the popular Winchester exchange, smoothing over the awkwardness Jensen had created momentarily on stage. The remainder of their time passed quickly and without further incident, when their host returned to the stage announcing that their time was up the crowd booed softly, Jared and Jensen giving them one last wave before exiting the stage.

Lunch was only a very brief respite for the pair, they wolfed down their meals with gusto before making their way to the photo shoot with the fans. Jensen was much more comfortable with this aspect of the conventions, less people, generally one on one with him and Jared or an occasional group that wanted a photo together with them both. Jensen knew how to play this part well, putting on his Dean face as he posed with the fans in different ways. Sometimes it was just an arm around someone or tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. One particular pose bought Jared's body flush up against his own and the taller man placed a hand over his heart, acquiescing to woman's request. Jensen had to swallow a lustful groan that threatened to issue from him at the contact between them, praying that his underwear was tight enough to hide his growing bulge from view.

Jared touching Jensen was something he had never been able to completely adjust to, three years on and the brush of Jared's hand against his cheek or the playful slap of his ass on set, orchestrated by Jared to make him mess up a take, still ripped through Jensen. Making him giddy and feeling like a teenager stealing his first kiss and a quick grope in the back of a car in the dead of night. His body screamed to reach out and take hold of Jared, to kiss him so deep it would make the younger man’s head swim, to whisper the wants and desires that he'd held down deep for so long into Jared's ear, fantasies he'd agonised over time and time again, desires that were so sinful it would make the most seasoned pornstar blush from head to toe. The initial rush of need that had bloomed in his chest at Jared's touch had faded, leaving a cold, clawing sadness in its wake, his throat tightening like a python around its victim, wringing the life from him. He'd grown to realise that his friendship with Jared was the proverbial double edged sword. On one side; Jensen couldn't imagine his life without him, seeing the goofy dimpled grin everyday day on set, the booming laugh that permeated his soul and would bring a smile to his own lips, unbidden. The flip side being that the more time he spent with Jared, the more the happy go-lucky man ruined him for anyone else. Jensen had hoped when he started filming with Jared that it was just a little crush, something that would fade over time and would just end up a distant memory, something he could look back on with fondness, maybe when he was propped up in his bed, a bottle of lube ready and a little Jensen time on his hands, boy had he been wrong.

He'd only truly come to realise the fact that he was completely and utterly _Jared's_ , one night a year and a half ago, when his co-star should've been the furthest thing from his mind.

Jared had been completely nonplussed about Jensen's sexuality when he'd eventually admitted it to him one night over many beers, Jared had been questioning him about the local talent at the bar when Jensen reluctantly divulged that boobs really weren't his thing. Jensen had no qualms about his own identity, his family knew and for a time it had been hard going, their background not making it an easy adjustment, but slowly and surely they came around and Jensen felt confident enough to disclose his sexuality to some close friends who all took it in their stride.

“Huh” Jared mused after Jensen had told him “that's cool man, you know I don't I care”

“Sorry I didn't tell you sooner” Jensen said meekly, feeling like he'd betrayed some aspect of their bond and trust in one another.

Jared reached over and patted his arm “don't be sorry dude! Probably not the easiest thing in the world to tell people, it _should_ be, but hey? That's not the world we live in right?”

 _Damn it Padalecki!_ _Do you have to be so fucking perfect?_

“That's true”

“So, are you seeing anyone?”

“Nah…it's…too much hassle” Jensen tried to deflect.

“Seriously man? There would be guys lining up around the block to get with Jensen Ackles, second hottest guy on Supernatural”

“Yeah right” Jensen scoffed “also you mispronounced _first_ when you rated my hotness”

“Pretty sure I didn't. It's true what I said, I bet more than a few of them would want to get down and dirty with Dean Winchester, too” Jared said playfully wiggling his eyebrows “you know, role play and all that”

Jensen stared open mouthed at Jared, the man was a little twisted at times.

“I'm sure Dean’s bought more than a few flags to half-mast”

“Jared?”

“Yeah Jen?”

“Shut the fuck up” Jensen said punching him in the arm.

Jared gripped the table, donning his best, fake sex face “oh Dean, oh Dean! Give it to me!” he moaned before breaking down in a fit of giggles, unbeknownst to Jared, Jensen had grown hard in all of about two seconds watching him moan Dean's name.

Jensen's revelation about his sexuality had put Jared on a single minded mission, that being, to get him laid. Jensen only became privy to this knowledge one Friday afternoon when Jared busted through his trailer door, announcing that he'd set him up on a blind date. Jensen had blanched at the idea and raged against it for the better part of a week, unable to budge Jared on the subject, eventually he had to just give in under Jared/Sam's best puppy dog stare.

The ‘blind date’ as it turned out, didn't turn out be a complete catastrophe by some miracle. His date was actually one of the PA’s from the show, a dark haired, blue eyed and well-built man named Liam, who Jensen actually got along pretty well with. Jensen wondered how Jared managed to weasel the guy's sexuality out of him, let alone convince him to go on a date with one of the leading actors but never the less, there they were. Jensen was quite pleased at how well it had all gone, the end of their third date found them back in Jensen's apartment, a little liquored up and fumbling to remove each other's clothes as Liam rocked back and forth on Jensen's lap. As the shirts came off, landing somewhere over the other side of the coffee table and skin finally met skin, reality crashed down around Jensen. Liam was hard and warm against his chest as his hands curled around the back of his neck, when his interest in the kiss started to fade, replaced by a longing in his chest. Liam was a smart, funny and drop dead gorgeous guy _but_ he wasn't Jared. The hands roaming his body were too small, the heat against him while warm, didn't burn through him like Jared's touch always did and the way Liam groaned his name against his jaw sounded wrong.

“Jensen?” The sound of Liam calling his name bought his mind back into focus.

“Sorry, got distracted” Jensen apologised as he moved his mouth half-heartedly up to Liam's.

A small chuckle issued from the older man as he leant back and placed a hand on Jensen's bare chest easing him back “it's ok, we don't have to”

“No its…I'm sorry…I'm just…” Jensen mouth fumbled, trying to explain.

“In love with Jared?” Liam finished his sentence with a sad smile “it's cool”

“What?” Jensen's head snapped up and he felt his eyes go wide.

“Hey, hey, don't freak” Liam said quickly seeing his alarm and cupping Jensen's face, stroking his thumb soothingly “I'd hoped maybe I could help you get over it, maybe have something real with you. It's alright, really.”

“I'm sorry” Jensen apologised again dropping his face “how did you know?”

Liam's fingers gripped his chin and pulled upwards making Jensen look him in the eyes “it's written all over you. When he's in the same room as you, there's nothing else, no one else but him. You've only got eyes for Jared, you're just drawn to him”

“Fuck” Jensen cursed. He knew there were times where he struggled to get it together around Jared, like when they filmed the episode ‘playthings’. Jared's touch on his cheek as he played a drunk version of Sam had made him want to lean in and kiss him so fiercely, it took all of his iron resolve to just bat the hand away and somehow slip back into Dean's persona.

“It's ok, no one would really notice it, they just see how close you are and assume it's because your friends” Liam said as if he could read Jensen's mind “I could tell, cause, you know?”

Jensen's brows furrowed as he tried to understand what Liam was getting at.

“Cause I'm gay” Liam laughed, watching as Jensen finally grasped it “I know when a man is in love with another man”

“Oh” Jensen smiled weakly as he looked into Liam's blue eyes “I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have led you on, I just thought maybe…”

“It's alright Jensen, no hard feelings!” Liam assured as he got off Jensen's lap, the mood was gone and it was just awkward to be in that position now. He picked up his keys and wallet after slipping his shirt back on, making his way to the door as Jensen followed him.

“Jensen?”

“Yeah?” Jensen responded to his feet.

“Look at me” Liam instructed, Jensen's gaze finally meeting the electric blue eyes.

“Mmmmm?”

“Don't get hurt” Liam smiled “you're a damn nice guy and you deserve to be loved with the same intensity that you love him”

“Yeah well…” Jensen trailed off as he kicked his foot over an invisible pebble.

“I know, it's hard” Liam said knowingly, leaning in and kissing him on the cheek “if and when you ever get over Jared and wanna give this another shot? Come see me! I'd love to try again; I mean it”

Jensen said nothing but smiled, Liam deserved better than a half-hearted attempt from him.

“There won't be any weirdness on set either” Liam promised and with that he was gone.

The door closing softly behind him, leaving a very confused Jensen in his wake who moved to the couch, buried his head in his hands and cried until he fell asleep.

*

The hot water spraying against his skin was absolute bliss as Jensen's body relaxed against the wall of the shower, tension slowly leaving him, eyes closed and breathing deeply. He felt exhausted. The memory of his night with Liam had conjured up a maelstrom of emotions, each clawing and fighting for dominance within Jensen's chest and mind, draining him completely until all he could do was sag against the tiles in defeat and ride out the waves of emotions. It was times like this that he wished there was more of Dean in him, to be able to lock everything behind a door in his mind, to be able to go out and get rat-arsed drunk, find a willing warm body to accommodate him and fuck the night away, falling into oblivion. He was _Jensen_ though and all Jensen wanted to do was crawl into the freshly made bed in his room, curl up into a ball and howl at the dark, to rage against everything that burnt and gnawed inside until sleep took him. Even that was denied to him by Jared tonight, who had grabbed him by the arm before he could slink away once the photo shoot was done and promise him that he would come to the party tonight and like always, Jensen caved.

He'd finally managed to tear himself away from the never ending hot water after a short crying stint, which left him feeling lighter than when he'd started, sometimes a good cry is all you need. The whiskey burned its way down his throat as he drained the glass, enjoying the tingle of warmth that spread through his chest moments later as he took a look at himself in the mirror. He wasn't sure why he'd taken so long to decide on what to wear tonight, it was a party sure, but nothing different to any of the countless others he'd attended, this one wasn't even black tie. He looked good, he thought to himself, although who he was looking good _for_ was a mystery to him, he had eyes for no one else but Jared and the fact was, Jared didn't and wouldn't ever feel the same.

Staring into the mirror he took himself in once more. Sharp tan boots poked out from under his tight black jeans, the denim soft against the thick muscles of his thighs and hugging against the well-formed globes of his ass. The blood-red button up shirt was one of his favourites, it was simple and plain, no gaudy designs or patterns stitched into the fabric. It was starting to be a little on the small side for him as of late, he'd been working out harder than usual lately and it was paying off, whether it be out of wanting to be a little fitter or simple, unresolved sexual frustration; he didn't know. The swell of his biceps strained against the shirt just as much as the definition of his wide chest and shoulders did. Sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, exposing his tanned, formed forearms, the light dusting of blond hair barely visible, adorned with a few bands around his right wrist and a gun metal grey watch on his right. He'd opted out of shaving tonight, favouring the stubble look, it always made him seem a bit more rugged and somehow accentuate the green of his eyes, making them seem more intense. He'd styled his hair in its usual manor, the way it was cut left little else to be done with it.

Just as he topped up his drink there was a soft knock at the door and Jensen knew by instinct that it was Jared, sighting inwardly and wishing that he was already at the tail end of the night he wandered over and opened the door, a familiar mop of brown hair greeting him.

“Hey Jen” Jared flashed a warm smile “woah!”

“What?” Jensen asked noting the quizzical look on Jared's face.

“Nothing…just” Jared sucked in a breath as he gave Jensen another once over “ _Damn_ dude! You're dressed to kill!”

“Oh…thanks” Jensen felt his cheeks warm with the flush of blood, just like any other time Jared paid him a compliment, he couldn't help it.

He reached out a hand and wrapped his fingers around Jensen's bicep “you're packing it on! When did you get this big?”

“Uh..I dunno” Jensen stammered, the feel of Jared's hand against his arm was dizzying “just, you know, hitting the gym a bit more I guess?”

“Whatever you're doing, keep it up!” Jared nodded appreciatively “with your body lookin’ like that, I'm sure Mr. Right will come along soon, might even find him tonight?”

And just like that, the spell broke, Jensen came back to reality once more, heart dropping in his chest as Jared released his hand and shuffled past into the room. _‘I’m sure Mr. Right will come along soon_ ’ the words were bitter in head, each word piercing him a little more, twisting and burning each time he replayed them.

“Jen? You alright?”

“Yeah…I'm good” Jensen replied, smiling as he tried to alleviate his friends concern.

“Wanna head down?”

“Sure” Jensen said pouring the whisky down his throat, revelling in the burn once more, hoping the liquid would drown some of his woes. He took a moment to take Jared in.

He was wearing grey jeans, snug around his thighs but loosening as they went down, so often it was the case with Jared's jeans, his insanely long legs made it difficult for him to find well-fitting pants. The cobalt blue button up he was wearing was stretched across the wide expanse of his big frame, tapering down to Jared's trim waist, Jensen regretted giving him a once over, he hoped the dull light was enough to hide his half-hard cock from view. Jensen appreciated Jared's physique a moment longer, admiring how much bigger and leaner he'd become in the last few years. Gone was the lanky boy who stepped up to him three years ago, replaced by the hard muscled slab of an Adonis before him. Jensen's mind conjured up a tantalising image from recent memory, in which Jared had showered at his house and walked out in nothing but his birthday suit, a few errant beads of water traversing the lines of Jared's stomach, which Jensen desperately wanted to catch with his tongue. Jared had no problem displaying his body around Jensen.

“Were brothers” he'd once said in response to Jensen's pleas for him to dress before getting out of the bathroom. It might not have been a big deal for him, but for Jensen it meant having to slip out of the room to take care of the swelling in his pants, which only took a few quick pumps with the image of Jared naked in his mind, for him to come hard and fast over his fist, biting down on his lip to prevent the outcry of Jared's name. Shaking his head free of Jared's naked body, he motioned to the door, Jared turning and walking through it as Jensen followed, closing it behind him, watching the muscles of his ass under the denim as he walked down the corridor. _I'm going to need a lot more to drink tonight_ , Jensen thought to himself.

A heavy bass line reverberated through the floor and up into Jensen's chest as he stood waiting at the bar for the beers and whiskey, the DJ was playing a pretty decent set, the party was in full swing now, the dance floor was half full of bodies swaying in time with the music, pressed up against each other. Jensen smiled to himself, this may not be Hollywood’s elite event but there sure were a few recognisable faces in the room, all at ease in the safety of their private venue, chances for them all to gather together and let loose didn't come very often in their profession and many of them dived right in.

Jensen tipped the bartender as he placed Jensen's drinks down with a smile, he seemed like a nice guy and professional, Jensen thought he deserved a little extra. Manoeuvring his way through the room, nodding occasionally at a familiar face or a friendly wave he found himself back at his table and dropping in a chair beside Jim, sliding his drink across to the older man.

“Cheers” Jim thanked him, raising his bottle to Jensen's and clinking them together softly “seems like everyone is having fun”

“That it does my friend, that it does”

“How was the panel?” Jim asked making conversation.

“Ah, you know, the usual” Jensen replied honestly “fans dying to know where the show is going next”

“Not just the fans” Jim replied with a throaty chuckle “I wanna know too”

“You mean you wanna know if Bobby gets killed off somehow?”

“Man's gotta make a livin’”

“I doubt Singer got a character written for him and worked into the show just so he's killed off” Jensen jibbed, bumping their shoulders together “pretty sure your safe, for now”

“Let's hope!”

“You seen Jared?” Jensen asked feigning casual interest as he scanned the room full of bodies.

“Last I saw of him he was heading to the bar” Jim said eyeing him over his beer.

“Cool” Jensen couldn't help but turn his gaze, hoping to catch him.

“Jensen…” Jim said softly, voice laced with fatherly concern.

Jensen held a hand up “Not tonight Jim”

“You've gotta”

“I don't ‘ _gotta_ ’ do anything” his voice was sharper than he intended “just… _please_. Not tonight Jim…”

“Rough day?” Jim lent across and wrapped an arm around Jensen's shoulders, pulling him into a gentle fatherly hug.

“Mmmhmm” Jensen mumbled in response.

“Alright…just enjoy tonight” Jim said releasing him.

Jensen was grateful for Jim’s concern; he was the only person apart from Liam onset that knew how he felt about Jared. He'd always found Jim easy to talk to, the older man always had time for anyone if they needed it and Jensen respected that. It had been a particularly rough week earlier this season when Jensen was struggling so hard emotionally that he took a week off from filming and locked himself in his apartment refusing to see anyone, Jared included. His apartment looked like a bomb had gone off that Thursday night when Jensen finally opened to door and let Jim in, takeaway containers and empty beer bottles littered the room and Jensen was pretty sure he stunk, considering he hadn't bothered showering in two days. It took a while but finally Jim managed to coax Jensen into opening up and when he did, Jim just held him against him as he cried his way through his explanation, body wracking with each sob. He didn't push Jensen into trying to talk to Jared, just let him empty out two years’ worth of pent up emotion, hurt and sadness. When he was done and coherent enough to function, Jim made him get through a shower as he cleaned up Jensen's apartment for him, changing his sheets, discarding empty boxes and bottles into the bin. He got Jensen into bed, putting his number in Jensen's phone before he left telling him to call him if he needed to talk. Things had gotten better after that, he'd felt lighter than he could remember in a long time and found himself smiling again.

“There's Jared” Jim said brightly pointing to the end of the bar “mustn't have seen him before, I wonder who…”

Jensen followed Jim’s gaze and knew immediately why he'd stopped talking.

Jared stood leaning against the bar, engaged in conversation with a beautiful red headed woman, slim bodied, full chested and very much interested in Jared. She slid one creamy coloured arm around Jared's waisted and giggled as Jared leaned in and whispered something in her ear, causing her to blush, kissing her cheek as he withdrew, wide smile plastered across his face.

Jensen sat open mouthed as he watched the exchange, the floor was falling out from beneath him. His heart sunk to somewhere below his navel, feeling like he'd just been winded as he watched the woman lean in and kiss Jared. Something acidic felt like it was forcing its way up his throat, burning and searing, making him unable to speak.

“Jensen…” his name came low and soft from his right.

Jensen shook his head, ignoring Jim’s concerned voice as he continued staring. Jared cast a quick glance around the room as the redhead said someone and caught Jensen's eye. He grinned like a Cheshire Cat, mouthing “how fucking hot is she?”.

Before he knew it, his body was up and moving its way through the throng of people in the room, Jensen felt himself bump into someone but didn't look back as he continued, he needed an escape, the air was being sucked from his lungs again and he needed to be far away from Jared right now. His eyes fell upon the door that led outside to the smoking section and Jensen gunned it, crashing through the door and heaving deep breaths of cool air into his lungs, the urge to vomit beginning to dissipate. 

As his breathing slowed and world stopped spinning Jensen decided it was safe to look around, wondering just exactly who was watching his ridiculous entrance. A sigh of relief left him as his eyes scanned the beer garden, it almost completely empty. Long wooden tables took up most the space, nestled between hardy outdoor shrubs, a few empty wine glasses sat on the table closest to him but apart from that, it was almost deserted except for a single brunette seated at the outdoor bar, her back to Jensen.

A drink was exactly what he needed right now he decided as he sat himself down on the stool next to the brown haired woman, an older barman seemed to materialise in front of him, white shirt, black vest and tie; clean and neatly pressed.

“What'll be?” He asked promptly.

“Two shots of tequila and a double whiskey, neat. Leave the bottle” Jensen answered, tacking on the end in haste “please”

“Coming right up” The man replied unfazed by Jensen uncharacteristic rudeness.

“Double whiskey and leave the bottle?” Came a gentle voice from beside him, followed by a whistle “that's the broken heart special”

“Know much about broken hearts?” Jensen quipped.

“A little” the woman replied turning in her seat and offering a hand “I'm Amanda”

“Tapping? Amanda Tapping yeah?” Jensen smiled and shook her hand, he'd recognised her soft features and blue eyes, even though her hair was brown now instead of Samantha Carter’s normal blonde “I'm Jensen Ackles”

“Nice to meet you” she smiled warmly, Jensen's ears adjusting to the semi-English accent instead of the on screen American tone he was used to hearing in Stargate.

“Enjoying the night air?” Jensen asked, downing one of the tequila shots the batman had poured.

“Gets a bit too much for me in there, too many people. Plus…” she lifted her hand to indicate the lit cigarette “can't smoke inside”

“There _is_ a bit much going on in there” Jensen murmured darkly.

“So” Amanda prompted as her eyes watched Jensen down the remaining tequila, followed by the whiskey and continued on as he refilled his glass “guy trouble?”

Jensen choked on his whiskey and felt the burn of it in his nose as Amanda reached out and thumped him on the back a few times, dislodging the alcohol from his windpipe after a few ragged coughs.

“Sorry” she apologised.

“No worries” Jensen assured with a wave of his hand “is it that obvious?”

A few seconds went by before comprehension passed across Amanda's face “Oh, God no! Instinct. I've got good ‘gaydar’ as they say”

“Good” Jensen admitted as he relaxed a little, he wasn't ashamed of his sexuality, but it was his and he felt it wasn't something others or the press really needed to know, it didn't make him any less Jensen.

“I didn't mean to pry” Amanda said with a smile as she dragged on her cigarette.

“It's…fine…just saw something I wished I didn't” Jensen said simply, he felt the gentle warmth of the alcohol tingle through his arms “could I ask? I haven't for years…have you got a spare cigarette?”

“Sure” Amanda pulled one free from the pack and passed it to him with a lighter “I don't normally have them myself unless I'm drinking”

“Cheers” Jensen said as he placed the cigarette between his lips and lit it, taking a gentle inhale, testing to see if his lungs would handle it after all these years. He took another slightly longer drag once his lungs didn't reject the first one, the immediate heady sensation taking hold of his brain.

“Better?” Amanda asked as she slid the lighter back in her bag.

“A bit” Jensen admitted, the initial shock of seeing Jared's lips locked with the red headed woman had worn off, helped along by the alcohol and nicotine rush.

“So what does a man do to rattle someone like yourself, Jensen?”

He eyed her briefly, deciding that he needed to talk to someone about it and Amanda was nice, genuine and unbiased in the matter “A kiss”

“A kiss?” Amanda questioned after she took a sip of her wine “one kiss did all that?”

“Yep” Jensen said popping the ‘P’ at the end of the word “it's a bit lame huh?”

“Well, I would imagine that would depend on how good the kiss was”

“I wouldn't know…” Jensen said quietly, taking another drag on his cigarette “I wasn't on the receiving end”

“Ahhhhh” Amanda reached across, gently squeezing his forearm in understanding. “Does…are you together?”

Jensen shook his head as his throat tightened, he felt his eyes sting as a tear rolled over his lashes and down his cheek.

“Have you told him?” Amanda asked in a gentle tone, Jensen wasn't sure why he was opening up about something he tried too hard to keep locked away. Maybe it was the alcohol? Or how tired he was? Maybe it was because he'd just seen the man he cared so deeply about kiss someone else and it was tearing him apart and the fact that someone was willing to hear his pathetic tale was nice.

“Jensen!” A distinctly familiar voice called his name from behind him, in a tone that sent a shudder down his spine and not the kind he enjoyed.

“Oh Dear” Amanda said looking over her shoulder at the sharpness of the voice “I think there is someone who wants to speak to you”

“Sounds like it” Jensen said refilling his glass and accepting another cigarette from Amanda, lighting it and taking a very deep drag.

“Jensen?” Jared's voice was much closer this time and he heard the edge to his voice, it quaked a little in concern.

“Jared, I told you to leave him” Jensen heard the distinct gravelly tone of Jim, clearly he'd tried to hold Jared off and spare him some extra pain tonight.

“It's alright Jim” Jensen said over his shoulder, he looked across at Amanda, meeting her blue eyes, raising his drink in a silent toast before draining it and twisting his body around in his seat.

Jensen had to look up at his current height and position to meet Jared's eyes, in the dull light of the beer garden the colour of his eyes almost seemed twist and churn, not settling in one spot or shade for too long. Jared's mouth was pulled tight as he looked down at Jensen.

“Jensen? What's going on?” Jared asked him in a strained voice, it more belonged to Sam than Jared.

“Jared, please. I can't do this right now”

“No, talk to me. Something's upset you and I'm worried” Jared bent his knees bringing himself closer to Jensen's height, his features blurred and settled into the caring smile and creased brows that Jensen was used to. “Jesus Jen! You're smoking? What the fuck’s going on?”

Jensen took a final drag before extinguishing it in the black plastic ashtray next to Amanda, sliding off his stool he pulled out what was more than enough cash for his drinks and placed it on the mahogany bar, Jensen always settled his debts.

“Amanda, it was fantastic meeting you” he said taking her hand and kissing it softly “next time under better circumstances?”

“I’d love to” she said genuinely, pressing a card into his hand “take care Jensen”

“I will” he smiled, pocketing the embossed rectangle. Turning, he squared himself against the taller man “Jared. I really, _really_ don't want to talk right now. I'm going to turn in for the night”

Jensen stepped his way around his best friend and had managed a few paces towards the door before a warm hand gripped like a vice on his forearm, preventing him from continuing on.

“Jensen, what is going on?” Jared asked in a pleading voice “what's got you so upset? One second were having a great time, I manage to chat up a total babe. I see that my best friend has seen my luck, I grin and you take off like a bat out of hell”

“Jared” Jensen's voice shook uncontrollably and he felt it begin to spread through his body, the cold, clawing sensation growing in his chest once more.

“And then I come out here. You've got a half empty bottle of booze and you're smoking!” Jared tugged at his hard, trying to turn him around “what's gotten into you? You're my best friend Jen, I love you and I'm worried”

Jensen couldn't hold back the whine that escaped him this time, his head was clouded by the alcohol, his emotions were beating his insides like a piñata, unable to gain any kind of stability or control over them. _‘I love you’_. Jensen had wanted to hear those words come from Jared's mouth so much over the last few years and now he had…but it wasn't meant the way Jensen had fantasised about, he was a friend…he would always be Jared's _friend._

"Jared please" this time it was Jim's voice pleading “Can you just let him go? He doesn't want to talk about it, don't make him”

“So you know what this is about then?” Jared asked Jim heatedly, seeing him nod his agreement, Jared turned his attention back to Jensen “So he knows what's going on but I can't?”

“Jared” Jensen finally turned around at met Jared's eyes, he could feel the tears sting his eyes and slide down his cheeks.

“ _Jensen_ ” Jared's eyes watered in response to the pain etched upon his friends rugged features “do you know her or something? Is she no good for me?”

“I don't know her” Jensen mumbled.

“So what's wrong with me kissing her?”

Jensen looked down at his arm gripped by Jared's large warm hand, he wondered if this would be the last time Jared would touch him? Would he even be able to look at him the same? Another watery sob escaped him.

“Jen?”

The pleading in Jared's voice was unmistakable, the way it wavered towards the end of the word almost broke his heart. Jensen reached down and gently tugged at Jared's hand, which briefly let go of the flesh beneath only to grasp Jensen's hand instead, long slender fingers twining with his own, locking him in place, preventing his exit.

Jensen locked eyes with Jared and took a deep steadying breath “it's because you weren't kissing me”

“What do you mean?” Jared face scrunched in confusion “I don't understand”

“You asked me what was wrong with kissing her?” Jensen repeated the question as Jared nodded.

Jensen took a step forward, closing the gap between them, cupped Jared's face with his free hand and titled his chin up, his lips meeting Jared's for a few fleeting heartbeats before breaking away, watching as Jared's expression morphed from one of confusion into understanding, Jared sucked in a sharp breath and Jensen watched a tear slide down his tanned skin.

"It's because you weren't kissing me” Jensen said once more. He felt Jared's fingers loosen and his had slip out of his grasp. Jared's eyes closed as he tried to digest the information that Jensen had just given him, shaking his head softly in disbelief.

Jensen turned on his heel and with every ounce of strength he could muster, tore away from Jared as fast as his legs would carry him, He heard Jared call his name as door began to close behind him but he didn't stop. The tears poured freely from his eyes and every jarring step knocked them from his face as he powered through the hotel, people turning to stare as he sped by, Jensen paid them no mind. His heart was slamming in his chest by the time he reached his room, he fumbled with the access card a few times before finally managing to slide it in, green light flashing as lock clicked open, stepping inside he shut the door behind him. Moving forward in a haze of alcohol and sadness, he kick of his shoes and slid himself beneath the covers, drawing ragged breaths as he cried and prayed for the ground beneath him to open and swallow him whole.

 

*

Jensen wasn't sure how much time had passed when he woke, bleary eyed and dry-mouthed, the lingering taste on smoke on his tongue. He reached across the bed for the bottle of water and with shaking hands unscrewed the cap, draining it completely and throwing the now empty bottle away, he'd deal with it later. He stretched himself out in the bed, a rush of blood moving down his left leg causing pins and needles in his foot, it took him a moment to realise he was still dressed, his tight jeans cutting off some of his circulation as he slept, he popped the top button and sighed as the constrictive feeling eased a little.

He took a moment to adjust to the dim light in his room, a quick glance at the window and the pale light that cracked through told him that it was still early. His head felt sluggish as the events from the previous night replayed in his mind’s eye. He let out a dry laugh, so Jared knew. Three years of pinning after his co-star, stolen glances and filthy fantasies had all stayed hidden for years, that was, until Jared kissed a woman as was his right as a single man and Jensen had been half drunk and too hurt to be able to handle it rationally.

_Good one Ackles, if there was any chance of Jared being able to accept how you felt and move on as friends, your little show last night took care of that!_

Some dim corner of Jensen's mind knew that he should care that everything was out in the open now, but that was just it, _it was all out in the open!_ He felt freer than he had in months, hell, _years_ even! A bout of laughter escaped him at the realisation, he was such an idiot! If he'd told Jared sooner, gone through the rejection and grieving process years ago, he could've been well on his way to a happy relationship, maybe even with Liam? He relaxed into his soft bed a smile on his lips, there was going to be repercussions, Jensen was going to have to deal with the inevitable fall out of his emotional bomb drop at some stage but for the moment he could lay here and ride out the wave of relief until it crashed into the shore of reality.

He revelled in the feeling of freedom for a minutes, enjoying the fact for the first time in a long time it didn't feel like there wasn't an ice cold hand gripping his heart, making him feel seven shades of guilt and shame. Pulling his phone from the pocket of his jeans took several attempts and Jensen was sure he felt the indentation of the device in his thigh but eventually it came free. Opening it and thumbing through the contact list he found the one he was looking for and composed his message.

_Hey man, I know it's been a while since we spoke, my bad. I know it's probably too much to ask of you, but I've got no one else really to talk about it with. If you don't wanna speak to me I get it._

Jensen got up from the bed and made his way over to the bathroom, slipping out of his jeans and shirt, he got himself through a quick shower, letting the worries and shame from last night wash off him. He was halfway across the room to fetch some clean clothes when the ringing of his phone pierced the air, shuffling over beside the bed he took a look at the Caller ID, took a deep breath and answered.

“Hey”

“Hey Jensen!” Liam's voice sounded bright down the other end of the line “what's up man?”

“Well…the thing is….” Jensen fumbled “last night I kissed Jared”

“Fuck” a low whistle followed “you ok?”

“I dunno” Jensen replied sitting on the bed, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.

“Alright, why don't you start at the beginning?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey All, hope you're doing well!
> 
> If you made it this far through, thank you so much for reading, I do hope you've enjoyed it. This story came to me as I was listening, yet again, to one of my favourite tracks "Over And Over" by Three Days Grace. I've got a fair idea of where I want this story to progress, I want it to be more "slow build" than my other works, I'll see how well it's received first I guess. I'm almost finished the second chapter so, which wont be as long as the first, so let me know what you think :)
> 
> Always stay true to yourself!  
> Peace,  
> River.


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